Dear UK Bank system,

In case you were wondering, I hate you. Your absolute refusal to even consider any piece of reasonable evidence that I am worthy of an account (aside from proof of address) is ignorant, irrational and most of all irritating. You acknowledge that I cannot obtain an apartment (and thus an address) without a bank account, yet you insist on proof of address. This is in spite of my proof of employment, proof of clean background check for entry to your national laboratory, and proof that I have paid over 1500 pounds as a deposit on an apartment, which I cannot move into until I have a bank account. Truly your stubbornness puts even retarded donkeys to shame.

An employed American with a Ph.D. who has zero debt, has made one late credit card payment in 10 years, and now would prefer to put his money beneath his mattress, if only he could actually be paid without your slimy services.